. e t e r n a l . b l i s s .

Leaving

2008-05-25T20:52:00.003+08:00

Last Post

I'm leaving this blog.
It can no longer serve its purpose.

Lies

2008-05-15T21:25:00.003+08:00

There was a little girl named Amber who spoke nothing but the truth.
But when she saw everybody hurting, she stopped speaking.
Everybody became worried and told her that they missed her voice.
So, she started talking again; this time, an endless string of lies.

barely.

2008-04-10T13:16:00.002+08:00

The days overlap one another with no interval
to indicate where one ends and the other begins;
I have soon run out of fingers to count the hours.
Staring in dismay as Time slips through the gaps of my fingers;
I couldn't will them to close but to spread wider,
knowing what it will do to me,
knowing how I will become.

I am living
but I am not

exhaustion

2008-04-09T09:11:00.000+08:00

I have dreams, at night, of skipping down a brightly-lit
passageway in a red velvet dress.
The tunnel is filled with the echoes of my gleeful laughter
and the light tapping of my Mary Janes.

I am alone. Finally.
The solitary peace, the abandonment,
brings much delight and fascination;
I am lost in this world -
I have never felt more alive.

nothing
nothing matters
nothing matters here

But my happy-ness has barely time to breathe before
the sun celebrates its death with its pretentious rays.

The mist lifts and the mirage disappears instantly -
I'm stuck in this rut, forced to deal with the dull ache
that I have to, once again, survive the day.

Possession

2008-02-11T04:31:00.004+08:00

Possession

" Listen as the wind blows
From across the great divide.
Voices trapped in yearning;
Memories trapped in time.

The night is my companion
And solitude my guide.
Would I spend forever here,
and not be satisfied?"

my little secret

2008-01-27T19:33:00.000+08:00

I kept thinking about the one thing that I cannot do.
Yesterday.
I saw my heart for what it is in the unlit room.
So clear, I couldn't miss it.
I wanted to tell you, but you wouldn't call.
You wouldn't let me talk.

Then I saw this girl.
This little girl. She's pale. So so pale.
And that pretty scarlet dress.
Matching bow on her long blonde hair.
Looking down on her red shoes, she smiled that innocent smile.

The truth couldn't be further from that.
What I can do now, what nobody would not disapprove of, is this other thing.

My little secret.

Romantic Death

2007-12-20T02:01:00.000+08:00

Let's make a death pact.

HOLLOW

2007-11-30T00:25:00.000+08:00

As I was standing under starless sky, the threatening smell of rain brought with it the cold that seeped into my skin. Suddenly, I felt that the only thing that made the contours of my body was my skin and that alone - no skeletal or muscle system to speak of, no blood, no heart. The hollowness overwhelmed me as passers-by sought shelter as if fearing that raindrops, which never came, would taint their pointless hair-do and dull outfits.

Truth be told, I wished that there and then that it would pour so I might fill up the empty vessel.

Santa Claus

2007-11-12T23:22:00.001+08:00

I saw Santa.
Made my day.

2007-10-11T01:01:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it feels that I am knocking on Death's door...

And the door is already ajar.

Another dam

2007-10-08T03:42:00.001+08:00

My white flag,
to the cruel beast,
who stole my memories,
and thus my sleep.

Our Hue

2007-08-22T15:51:00.000+08:00

Our Hue

Gone were the smiles so true;
Further and further, they flew.

Gone were the memories that are dear;
The tender embrace that had once erased my fear.

Still the dandelions, they flutter;
In a breezelike simplicity, their plumes mutter.

Still is my longing for you;
And never is found - my last, lost hue.

love

2007-08-20T10:19:00.000+08:00

"Love comes first."

"It was the most beautiful sound in the world. It was part mathematics and part euphoria. I felt certain that whatever this was, was a gift to the world meant to fill all that hurt it with the flood of emotion... It then struck me that not everyone could appreciate this miracle. The sound increased my sorrow for those who could not hear it."

"Even with years of historical research, the more humans try to define themselves, the more they drown in their own confusion."

Pursuit of Happyness

2007-08-14T22:33:00.000+08:00

I didn't study, probably as expected by those who care for me, but I deemed the day not wasted as I acquired new insights on life from being a couch potato.

Thomas Jefferson's Declaration of Independence:

"We hold these truths to be sacred & undeniable; that all men are created equal & independant, that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent & inalienable, among which are the preservation of life, & liberty, & the pursuit of happiness..."

Interesting isn't it, "The Pursuit of Happyness"?
Yeah I typed HappYness.

VTWA

2007-08-08T01:43:00.002+08:00

My vision(s), my thoughts are nebulous deceptions.
My words, my actions are disguised perceptions.

Hotdog Bun

2007-08-03T14:35:00.000+08:00

So there was a sausage dog,
and there was a hot dog bun.

Ha...

Who knows about tomorrow?

2007-08-02T03:39:00.001+08:00

Who knows about tomorrow?

Why is there a tomorrow?
Your whispering snore -
The elusive scent of lime.

Where shall we be, tomorrow?
Shall it be at that orchard we adore,
To pick the berries in their prime?

When will a rainbow be drawn, tomorrow,
Over those dandelions galore
and melodies crafted by an Aeolian chime?

What ought I do, tomorrow,
If you hold me like before?
Time knows, only time.

Love lingers.

2007-06-04T16:22:00.000+08:00

Love Lingers.

Droplets disappear,
Vapour visible.
Hatred hovers,
Love lingers.

-

It's here:

"My state of mind, and all accompanying circumstances, were just now such as most to favour the adoption of a new, resolute and daring - perhaps desperate - line of action. I had nothing to lose. Unutterable loathing of a desolate existence past forbade return. If i failed in what I now designed to undertake, who, save myself, would suffer? If I died... who would weep?"

2007-06-01T03:48:00.000+08:00

In many aspects, I'm in far deeper than I thought, and it's highly likely that I had gotten so used to the pit that I wouldn't be able to get myself out of it.

I have a problem. There I said it. And those who knew didn't care much of it, or thought that I was lying or saying it just for the sake of it, I'm sorry; I wish that you all were right, too.

So, June will be the month that I try to settle it, once and for all, and I hope I'll come back as a better person.

Don't ask.

Anyway, sleep should come under the fourth basic need of living things, or animals, or humans, or whatever. Look at the time.

God. I have a feeling I have said all this before.

-

I awoke next morning with courage revived and spirits refreshed: physical debility no longer enervated my judgment; my mind felt prompt and clear.

a reward

2007-05-30T01:01:00.000+08:00

This was written on my way to school, so yeah.

As I have, somewhat, been immunized to the anxiety and guilt of being late, I watched, intently, the being in one corner, her content pudgy cheeks, her soft black hair, her padded temple resting on the frame. Slumber has taken over her; she was unknown to the world. Though peaceful she was not, for how could she be, given the state and hers, what with lines outlining her otherwise youthful forehead? Put it simply, I refuse to relish in the idea that she was. Happy.

The fixation intensified the dull aching of the two eyes that had rested but for three miserable hours. However, the longing to embrace eclipse vanished the moment the thought appeared.
"Stay up, up, up," the voice resumed its chantings.
Have less needs. Be less of a burden.
Like a child caught with a hand in the cookie jar, they widened slightly, guiltily, acceding to any punishment or imprisonment.

And then, the reward: a brief reunion with a long lost friend.

-

"Day-dreams are delusions of the demon."

five.six.

2007-05-27T12:23:00.000+08:00

In all attempt to sound or seem intellectual, I've picked up a true literature book. I'll probably include some passages from it in my entries from now on.
To start of with, something from Brontë:

"When I recall the tranquil, and even happy mood in which I passed those hours, and remember, at the same time, the position in which I was placed: its hazardous - some would have said its hopeless - character, I feel that, as -
'Stone walls do not a prison make,
Nor iron bars - a cage.'
so peril, loneliness, an uncertain future, are not oppressive evils, as long as the frame is healthy and the faculties are employed; so long, especially, as Liberty lends us her wings, and Hope guides us by her star."

Fear not.

2007-05-25T04:07:00.000+08:00

Fear not, my dear, for distance is merely the illusion of the eyes and the mischief of the mind.

The point.

2007-05-16T10:11:00.000+08:00

I am that crumb of bread on the leftover plate.
I am that leaf floating in the wind: an unknown fate.

.BakedSalmon GarlicandLemonButterMussels.

Sufferance

2007-05-03T01:07:00.000+08:00

Sufferance

As the needle ticks,
Through my skin it pricks.
Blood invisible under the moon,
Slumber - my one cure - is my wound.

.

2.45AM

Nothing's wrong, yet everything is wrong. I'm stuck in the in-betweens, the contradictions and such. I know I've written something like this before, but I can't figure whether it's just a fragment that my brain has successfully conjured up out in the vast empty space in my brain, and the same can be said for what I'm feeling. Maybe I'm not feeling at all, or maybe I'm just feeling too much that I don't feel. This is too much for me, but this encompasses nothing.

These senseless words, I do not understand,
but they make too much sense that I do
and that I have to.

~~I have to wake up in four hour's time, that is, if I get any sleep at all.~~

3.30 AM

I'm hopeless.

Pumpkin.Chawanmushi

The truth

2007-04-20T01:24:00.000+08:00

It's not the first time it occurred to me that I've been living the last few years in denial, willing myself to believe that ignorance is bliss; it's only now that I realize that I've been reduced to someone more insubstantial than before, someone who is untrustworthy and inadequate. How I wish I could separate myself to help me.

I hate lying to myself, and I've been doing just that everyday.
Trust me, there's some truth in my words.

The ghost of sleep is back again.

The Big Prediction.

2007-02-10T21:42:00.000+08:00

The Big Prediction.

I'll die of suicide.

[Let's hope I'm bad at predicting.]

relief

2006-12-06T23:49:00.000+08:00

Finally, relief.

-

Two purplish eyes,
A Forgotten soul.
Core full of lies,
A hiding hole.

-

Distance: A safe place to be.

2006-12-01T20:15:00.000+08:00

I do not know how else I can express what I'm feeling aside from the following medley of words.
[I hope you do keep count]

-

A soft, impenetrable bubble,
Void envelops the foetus that's me.
Homologous to a womb,
Its beauty second only to Eden.

Distance: A safe place to be.

-

A cup of coffee

2006-11-15T01:13:00.000+08:00

A fresh cup of coffee, steaming, cooling ever so slowly.
An apology, and many more, I never make.
The cup of coffee still sitting, and waiting;
This tasteful pain, I hope to keep awake.

Insomnia

2006-11-14T23:28:00.000+08:00

Insomnia, or is it?

There are days, long days like today, that sleep is the last thing I want to do, even though my eyelids reluctantly pry themselves open, the heaviness almost unbearable. I'm so afraid of sleep, that unconscious state, when I don't feel, I don't think, I don't know. I'm so scared that I'll never open my eyes again, or if I have amnesia from the short rest, or if things are never the way I hope them to be when I awake. Those recurring haunts, never knowing when they will happen, does not make this easier either.

I'd rather be hurt forever than to fall into the uncertain state called slumber.

Perhaps

2006-11-14T22:55:00.000+08:00

Perhaps I'm waiting to get caught with an undeniable proof that I'm really what I am, per se.

As much as I want to cherish every single thing that means something to me, my mind wanders off and instead my body is engulfed by the muddy waves [I know there isn't such a thing], stranded on an island with prehistoric inhabitants who only knows how to fight or flight for their own survival, not realizing that soon enough, I'll be one of them, or...

Perhaps, I'm already one of them.